For you who I can’t Grieve enough

if only I believe in the concept of the soul, if only I believe that the words I say will be carried by the, perhaps the wind, to you, if only I believe that writing this too late of a letter will actually do you justice…perhaps I would feel a bit better.

Never did I imagine that I could experience grieving this much that it turned me into a zombie. It is not true that a part of me died when your physical body is no more, it is more of I got thrown to a pit of uncertainty, the sea of pain and the abyss of regret simultaneously.

The first few hours of without you seems to last a lifetime. Or maybe I wished it was a lifetime already so I can move forward and put your memories locked away in the past. But, these days, hours and seconds that you are gone I only realized one thing, you can never be the past to me. Up until now, I am still trying feel your genuine warm embrace, your quiet knowing smile, your infectious silliness and of course your unconditional love.

I never got the chance to tell you that you are my best friend, nay the best person I ever met. I never got the chance to say thank you enough. I could write a whole list of “I never..enough… you.. ” list but it will all be futile. I will only satisfy my conscience.

As the song goes, “you are only a breath away”, this should be a comforting thought but it is not. Because right now, there’s nothing I will not sacrifice just to hold you alive and breathing and smiling again.

You know what’s more painful? Struggling to preserve your memory… because I dont think that I would accept you as just a memory anytime soon. Honestly, I dont know how to look at you. I want to keep you as alive but the more I try to recreate or remember you, the more you falter into a thin wispy musk.

I can’t relate to people saying that you are in a better place now, because, as selfish as it may sound, your best place is beside me, us your family. I hate it when people say that it’ll be okay, because I know very well that it won’t, it will never be. You will forever be that void — this void that I will keep in a bitter-sweet way.

Will never say goodbye to you. I dont have the heart. I dont have the sanity. And, I dont ever want to have any.