confessions of a porn somnambulist

Once again, I click on log in earlier after typing in my user name and password. It’s 8:59 pm and I utter a prayer, or maybe you can call it a curse, hoping that this night would be better than the last.

I always wish that the days would be better than the last. Unfortunately, I always find tomorrow worse than yesterday and the day before that. Sometimes I wonder if my standard is just askew or if I really care about such things. Wait… I used to care. I am just not sure if I care still.

It has been more than a year since I started digging a grave for plans made when I was young than I am now. On that day, there’s a subtle gloom in my spirit. It was like a silent acceptance that I can no longer be who I was before. I can no longer be that edgy punkass. I can no longer have the guts to lambaste anybody, I can no longer have the wit to make fun of passersby.

On that day, I was firm and nervous of the transformation I accepted to undergo with this job. Before, my mouth is filled with slogans and principles upholding women’s rights among others, but now, my stomach churns with the sight of a hairy, moist genitalia. Which, by the way happens around 10 times minimum per night.

I croak and moan for 6am to come. but it never comes when I want it. I had no choice but to go on with the croaking and moaning out of disgust. Then, one day, I just dont feel anything towards the wet and moist and freshly fucked vagina, my stomach does not churn anymore with all the pubic hair, uncircumcised penis and faces contorted to evoke lust or otherwise.

From then on I log in with ease. I log out with ease. I go through all 9 hours with ease.

But the ultimate question: am I happy that I am at ease now? It might sound highly existential and naive, but seriously I always ask myself if I am happy. Sometimes I said yes, sometimes no and more often I just ignored myself. Not that the question does not mean a thing, but the question opens up a lot of important things that I left unresolved from the past. But as always I will just ignore this point.

 That’s how most of us are. We just ignore a thing up until we dont care anymore, until we just stopped feeling anything. But who are we kidding? The condition for such forlorn state of the mind and the spirit still exists, we just procastinated over it. We just start to live in a waking life with all the baggages and the problems yet to be dealt with. They just loom over us like an axe tied with a rope soon to snap. One day it will crack our head open, just like one day I will fully accept that my job is fucked up. I will read this blog entry once more and will scold myself for not quitting earlier.