For you who I can’t Grieve enough

if only I believe in the concept of the soul, if only I believe that the words I say will be carried by the, perhaps the wind, to you, if only I believe that writing this too late of a letter will actually do you justice…perhaps I would feel a bit better.

Never did I imagine that I could experience grieving this much that it turned me into a zombie. It is not true that a part of me died when your physical body is no more, it is more of I got thrown to a pit of uncertainty, the sea of pain and the abyss of regret simultaneously.

The first few hours of without you seems to last a lifetime. Or maybe I wished it was a lifetime already so I can move forward and put your memories locked away in the past. But, these days, hours and seconds that you are gone I only realized one thing, you can never be the past to me. Up until now, I am still trying feel your genuine warm embrace, your quiet knowing smile, your infectious silliness and of course your unconditional love.

I never got the chance to tell you that you are my best friend, nay the best person I ever met. I never got the chance to say thank you enough. I could write a whole list of “I never..enough… you.. ” list but it will all be futile. I will only satisfy my conscience.

As the song goes, “you are only a breath away”, this should be a comforting thought but it is not. Because right now, there’s nothing I will not sacrifice just to hold you alive and breathing and smiling again.

You know what’s more painful? Struggling to preserve your memory… because I dont think that I would accept you as just a memory anytime soon. Honestly, I dont know how to look at you. I want to keep you as alive but the more I try to recreate or remember you, the more you falter into a thin wispy musk.

I can’t relate to people saying that you are in a better place now, because, as selfish as it may sound, your best place is beside me, us your family. I hate it when people say that it’ll be okay, because I know very well that it won’t, it will never be. You will forever be that void — this void that I will keep in a bitter-sweet way.

Will never say goodbye to you. I dont have the heart. I dont have the sanity. And, I dont ever want to have any.

back to the past to the future.

One cannot call me the good girl, I am also not the steroetypical bad girl. As a result, people just dont get me. hehe. Not that it bothers me. When I was a kid, making friends for me is not hard, but keeping them could be quite a task. i can still remember this one time when the mom of one of my classmates came to school to talk, nay, confront me because I hit her kid. Being the stubborn me, I remember keeping a stern face and doing a series of bullying that classmate for the remaining 2 years of our elementary life.

That’s just how I am. I dont really care unless I realized I have to. I get tired of a thing so I will stop doing it all together. Life, as the saying goes, was simple for me back then. Though I have the tendency of over simplyfying things. 

Or maybe, I was just that good that I find it simple. But, that was long ago. 

Simplicity. I always crave for this, but the forces made me so hungry for things I do not need. Feelings that I thought made me feel human all together, or more. 

 Now, that I realized that being simple is the way to go, I strive. I fail.

I strive harder. I fail harder.

I am striving more. Hoping I will not fail anymore.

But who am I kidding? Everyone of is destined to be failures in each of our sick little world. Wait, this is not a reason to slit that wrist, or to watch that 20-episode koreanovela — this.is.just.the.way.it.is.

Don’t really give a crap of the happiness thing anymore. Give me a few weeks, I’ll say and certainly I will turn out to be ten-folds happier than people who seek happiness or working their asses off for that purpose-driven life (literature included, yeah bite me)

Revisited.

Im still in the office and got a ton of things to do but I am still bored. So in the spirit of commemorating our departed, lost and missing loved ones I will post my previous blog entries from previous blogs. Well, an early warning, this could get messy and with messy I hope you find it a bit funny and with a subtle pang of nostalgia. 

 First Site: Multiply. 

I dont really maintain my account here beacause first, this site is blocked in the office and second i just didn’t get attached to the site that much. All I have there are a couple of friends, a bunch of photo albums filled with self-love and an attempt blog-ish that served as my refuge whenever I feel like sh**.

in no particular order:

hindi lahat ng emo naglalagay ng black eyeliner, yung iba, nagsusulat ng blog

 Posted:2 March 2009

confessions of a porn somnambulist

Once again, I click on log in earlier after typing in my user name and password. It’s 8:59 pm and I utter a prayer, or maybe you can call it a curse, hoping that this night would be better than the last.

I always wish that the days would be better than the last. Unfortunately, I always find tomorrow worse than yesterday and the day before that. Sometimes I wonder if my standard is just askew or if I really care about such things. Wait… I used to care. I am just not sure if I care still.

It has been more than a year since I started digging a grave for plans made when I was young than I am now. On that day, there’s a subtle gloom in my spirit. It was like a silent acceptance that I can no longer be who I was before. I can no longer be that edgy punkass. I can no longer have the guts to lambaste anybody, I can no longer have the wit to make fun of passersby.

On that day, I was firm and nervous of the transformation I accepted to undergo with this job. Before, my mouth is filled with slogans and principles upholding women’s rights among others, but now, my stomach churns with the sight of a hairy, moist genitalia. Which, by the way happens around 10 times minimum per night.

I croak and moan for 6am to come. but it never comes when I want it. I had no choice but to go on with the croaking and moaning out of disgust. Then, one day, I just dont feel anything towards the wet and moist and freshly fucked vagina, my stomach does not churn anymore with all the pubic hair, uncircumcised penis and faces contorted to evoke lust or otherwise.

From then on I log in with ease. I log out with ease. I go through all 9 hours with ease.

But the ultimate question: am I happy that I am at ease now? It might sound highly existential and naive, but seriously I always ask myself if I am happy. Sometimes I said yes, sometimes no and more often I just ignored myself. Not that the question does not mean a thing, but the question opens up a lot of important things that I left unresolved from the past. But as always I will just ignore this point.

 That’s how most of us are. We just ignore a thing up until we dont care anymore, until we just stopped feeling anything. But who are we kidding? The condition for such forlorn state of the mind and the spirit still exists, we just procastinated over it. We just start to live in a waking life with all the baggages and the problems yet to be dealt with. They just loom over us like an axe tied with a rope soon to snap. One day it will crack our head open, just like one day I will fully accept that my job is fucked up. I will read this blog entry once more and will scold myself for not quitting earlier.

Internet Cleansing

Hi I am Ngarud and tonight (or today, you know what I mean) I will make a drastic confession…

 I am a Facebook addict.

But before flinging the first stone let me fill you up with disclaimers and boohoos why what happened is not my fault AT ALL. At first it started  because I once had an addiction to musicals, which I still have now and the group I found in facebook is just marvelous! We post lines of out favorite musicals one after another, write our favorite musicals and characters and singer. It was a gay who lived in the 1940’s heaven to say the least.

After that group it all went fast forward and I just got slammed to the wall mainting around 20 games, a member of 67 groups and has atleast 400 friends, most of whom I can’t even pronounce their names. From an interest I felt a smorgasbord of internet connection trash. I waste most of my time brushing the a pet, looking for dry crops to water, attacking an asshole with a mouse click, trying to be the most fab vamp, stealing from friends’ island, cooking, buying a new wall paper for my resto, checking if there are lost pets to be adopted and a buncha stuff to do. 

But come to think of it, I can’t really cash out all those chips, I can’t really feed the typhoon victims with my crops and I can’t really kill that asshole who got more untraceable cellphone than I do. But day in and day out I still do it. Just like most of my friends do. And most of my non-friends do. So tonight as a start I deleted all the groups I can do without and the following are left (in random order):

 1. Akap Bata Sectoral Organization - they could be and I hope so be the first party list focusing solely on children

2.  the Jerks - it’s a sin not to be in their group

3.  Cafe World - a fun game that requires prestine cooking skills… lol. cmon guys give me time to let go of this game. lol

 4. UJP-UP Diliman Alumni Circle - yes I am a proud member

5. Beatles Fans Around the World - they’re only the GREATEST musicians

6. And WHY can’t my life be a musical - this group started my addiction,,, love it

7. DATU’S TRIBE - love their music. hehe

8. Stop the Killings in the Philippines - devoted to stop the killings of activists, journalists and filipinos who stands for immediate change in our country

9. KABATAAN Partylist - the first ever partylist for the youth and of the youth. This party had etched youth action for social change in the history of parliamentary struggle  by taking a seat in the congress. 

and lastly…

10.Are You Afraid of the Dark? scared the 7 year old shit out of me - it is either you dont have a tv or a retard not to be haunted by that laughing clown in the OBB.

 I am also part of League of Filipino Students - National, Desaparecidos, and ILPS Solidarity.

With these 10 I am still trying to do away with other applications I dont really need. hehe. wish me Luck. I will end this with one question: what’s your internet addiction?

Under Construction

Unang beses ko mag-blog ng seryosohan o baka akala ko lang seryoso na. Hindi naman talaga ako ganun ka-interesado mag-blog pero dahil sa pag-iiba ng pamumuhay, naisip kong kailangan ko nito. Kumunekta lang ba. Makibasa. May maipabasa. Masabi lang na may ibang ginagawa bukod sa trabaho, pagtulog at pag-inom.

Hindi naman ako mahanapin na tao. Tipong, sa pangalawang talata na ito medyo nararamdaman ko na ang mga immediate effects sa akin ng mga sinasabi ko dito — una, tinatamad na akong magtrabaho; pangalawa, nagugutom na ata ako at pangatlo,  naisip kong bakit tag-lish ako magsulat ganun na ba talaga ang lala ng pagbabago ko?

Mas masaya sana at mas may kabuluhan ang mga iba-blog ko sa susunod. Madami akong gustong ibahagi sa mundo. hehe. Madami kasi akong natutunan sa kanya. Kaya, dito muna. Try ko munang aralin kung paano i-edit to. Nakakaasar dapat kasi laging may F1 sa lahat ng pagkakataon. :p